The beauty of bouncy boundaries
Your ON button is engaged so often it’s rusted in place. You know you need to slow down but are worried what’ll happen when you do.
Hybrid working seemed so magical, until your boundaries between home and work became so blurred that you check your emails on the loo and store your laptop in the fridge.
You have enough on your plate already but somehow seem to say ‘yes’ when you mean ‘no’ and have to say ‘no’ when you really want to say ‘yes’.
Hands up if you find boundaries…let’s say…problematic. You? Okay, you as well. And you over there, too. Good to know you’re not alone isn’t it? And you’re most certainly not. Few of us had firm work-life boundaries modelled to us as children, and with good reason. When I was growing up, email was in its infancy, laptops weren’t a thing and smartphones were a twinkle in Steve Job’s’ eye. It’s only relatively recently that technology has enabled ‘always on’ culture, and only since the pandemic that hybrid working has become the norm across the board. No one teaches us the skills to deal with this new culture we’ve found ourselves in, how to create and protect firm boundaries or how to exercise our ‘no’. Enter, moi.
I’m Beth Stallwood – coach, consultant, speaker, podcast host, author and creator of all things WorkJoy. In this guide, we look at beautiful things I like to call ‘bouncy boundaries’ and the three times to use them. We also take a little refresher in how to say no. Ya know, just in case 😉.
How to use this guide
We’re talking about bouncy boundaries so it’s totally okay to kind of…bounce around this guide. I’m thinking that the chapters about different types of boundaries and saying no, might be particularly good to skip to if you’re in the mood for a quick read. Equally, feel free to just work your way through this guide from beginning to end.
Contents
The blurring of boundaries
What are boundaries, really?
Four times boundaries don’t work
Different types of boundaries
The three types of bouncy boundaries
How to: say no when you want to (and not when you don’t)
WorkJoy community story: respecting yourself through boundaries
Next steps: making boundaries that bounce
The separation between work and home life has been disappearing since the dawn of the digital era. The old structure of 9am to 5pm, seated at a desk, in a specific location, is no longer the standard for office-based workers.
For more than a decade, access to work beyond a determined time and place, as well as globalisation, has meant that the work day has expanded and extended. There’s also a huge population of people who work in industries such as healthcare and hospitality who work shift patterns as standard and there are also many roles that cannot be done from home.
If you’ve found that this ‘always on’ culture has invaded your life, you’re definitely not alone.
Covid-19 led to mass working from home for the first time. It was a forced experiment in fundamentally changing the way we approach work, followed by many organisations initiating a ‘hybrid’ approach. Now, despite many organisations creating attractive benefits to tempt workers back to the office, a 2024 report by Forbes Insider reported that 25% of UK workers are working in this hybrid way.
In many ways hybrid working is a huge success, with greater flexibility and improved work-life balance often cited as among the positive outcomes, yet it has its downsides as well.
However this story plays out, one thing is for sure – the boundaries that once existed between work and home life have been well and truly broken down. The disappearing boundaries are a source of WorkGloom for many people, yet this truth is often disguised under the phrases ‘I have too much to do’, ‘I’m overwhelmed’, or ‘I wish I had more time’.
Reflection questions: What percentage of your working hours do you spend at home or in an office? What are the pros and cons of your working arrangement? |
In the work-life context, I think of boundaries as fences that we erect between different areas of our lives. When these boundaries are clearly defined, when they’re well built and not trampled on, they enable us to keep the pieces of our lives in place, and to allocate space for the things we love and that bring us joy. In this way, solid boundaries are fundamental to our quality of life.
Boundaries can make or break your WorkJoy, setting you up for success when they fit or leading you down a pathway of gloom if they’re misshapen. The challenges people often find with creating, implementing and maintaining boundaries often fall into four categories:
1. They are too strict, and this has a negative impact on the people around you
If boundaries are too strict or the wrong things have too strict a boundary, you may fall into the trap of becoming a person who is difficult to live or work with. You’ve met those people who are so inflexible that they become a drain on you!
2. They are too flexible and don’t really act as boundaries at all
If you set boundaries, but move them at the whim of others, you’re in danger of pleasing everyone else and making your own life miserable. A boundary that is rarely upheld isn’t a boundary at all – you’re giving everyone permission to encroach on your precious time.
3. They are someone else’s boundaries and not your own
When you’re on a mission to change, develop or grow, you may seek out inspiration from others. Trying to copy and paste someone else’s hard-earned work into your own life is likely to be a mis-fit for you.
4. They’re out of date
As time moves on, your priorities and requirements will change. Boundaries that once worked well for you may no longer be hitting the mark as they once did. As you evolve over time, so must your boundaries.
Reflection questions: Can you identify a challenge with your boundaries from the four examples above? |
When it comes to managing limited time, your boundaries will enable you to make choices that work for you. Allocating your boundaries into one of these categories could assist you in knowing when to stand firm and when to let things go.
In this diagram, you’ll see how the three types of boundaries work. Working from the firmly held non-negotiables, through the more nuanced bouncy boundaries that are applied based on the situation and on to the free-flex option. In this guide, we’re going to take a deeper look at bouncy boundaries.
FREE DOWNLOAD Work out your boundaries by downloading and scribbling in my Boundaries template. Get it here. |
Bouncy boundaries have neither the rigid quality of your non-negotiables, nor the pure adaptability of free-flex. Particularly helpful when you’re weighing up whether to commit to something, they are the antidote to saying yes and becoming overwhelmed and saying no and getting a reputation for being unhelpful.
Situational | Many boundaries cannot be predefined as they’re nuanced. It may be about weighing up the pros and cons, making a best guess in the moment. It can be helpful to pause and understand where the situation fits into your personal priorities and values before deciding. |
Conditional | This may help when you’re prepared to do something for a certain person, or in a specific situation, but only if there’s a quid-pro-quo arrangement. Understand what you are prepared to negotiate. It’s the ‘if I do X, I’ll need Y in return’ or ‘I can do that, but which of the other activities on my list should we deprioritise to make this happen’ or even an ‘I will make it happen this time, but this cannot happen again’ conversation. |
Personal | There are some people in your life who will probably nearly always get a yes. Define who these people are up front – it will make it easier to draw the line when you need to. Consider people who are important and those who can make or break your day. The ones who always support you. For these people, a firmly held boundary may be thrown out of the window if they need you. |
Saying no is an activity that many people find challenging. That’s why so many people find themselves overcommitted. There are many reasons why ‘no’ feels difficult. From wanting to please people, to not wanting to let people down, to FOMO, the reasons to say yes when you want to say no can feel compelling!
Here are some different ways you can say no or yes.
Saying no when you want to say no
The trick with a well-delivered ‘no’ is to be clear and concise. There’s a tendency to apologise and make excuses, to tell people all the reasons why you can’t do it. Perhaps something like this might be less waffly:
Saying no when you want to say yes
You’ve made the choice to say no for good reason. You’ve worked through the steps and made your decision, now you need to communicate it and stick by it. You could try a message like the below and leave it open for the future:
You could even use this as an opportunity to advocate for another person:
Saying yes when you want to say no
Sometimes you may end up saying yes when you want to say no. Perhaps your boss has asked you to complete a task and saying no may be a career-limiting move. Maybe there’s something you’re doing because it’s for a person you care about. Or even because you know the experience will be good for you. Understand that you’ve made the choice to say yes even though your heart is not fully in it. Then participate fully (without being grumpy or moaning) and see if you can eke out a little joy in the process.
“I’d been working as a marketing coordinator for just under three years and felt really stuck in it. Not long after I started the role, we had numerous leadership changes and a high staff turnover, so work became all about firefighting. It was also up to me to train new starters whilst balancing an incredibly unfulfilling workload. This shouldn’t have been my responsibility but I’m a self-proclaimed overachiever I felt like I should have been able to do it all. I wasn’t achieving anything, but I didn’t have the clarity to go to my manager and say, ‘Look, this isn’t my fault. I need support.’ By the time the pandemic hit, I was completely depleted creatively, professionally, and personally. My relationships were suffering, and I was on the verge of burnout.
“Before furlough, I had been working from 7am to 7pm so the break and working from home really gave me space to think. I asked myself some tough questions: What do I want to do? And where does it all fit in? I saw that, yes, my personality had driven me to give 110% but my company was making me feel like I was still not meeting what my role required of me. I hadn’t set any boundaries, and they had completely taken advantage of that.
“Joining the WorkJoy community, I met others in a similar position and finally realised, ‘It’s not just me!’ As it turns out, I’m actually really good at what I do! When furlough ended, I didn’t want to return to work and WorkJoy gave me the courage to start applying for new jobs and to seek a change.
“I started a new role as a Communications Business Partner at a not-for-profit, with a much better understanding of what my boundaries would be, and how to live a life outside of work. Then a freelance opportunity came along, and I had the capacity and the self-knowledge to take that too. Alongside my 9–5 and my freelancing, I have a passion for wellbeing and run my own affiliate marketing business.
“I probably work the same hours or even more than I used to, but I love it. I don’t have to give absolutely everything to my day job because I’m performing above par, and I no longer have to choose what to drop. Finally, I can take time off properly and say, ‘I’m going to be holidaying up a mountain and I won’t have WIFI’, and I’ll only do the things I enjoy doing during that time. Boundaries are absolutely fundamental to making it all work. At the end of the day, it’s about having respect for myself.”
When I chatted to Sam Flynn, we talked all about digital wellbeing and how we might need to set some boundaries around things like screen time…
“…the first one I would look at is your screen time and see where you’re spending your screen time because sometimes people don’t realize just how much time they’re spending on any particular platform.“
Check out this episode here:
So you’ve reviewed your boundaries, you know when and how to make them bouncy, and you’re feeling more confident in saying ‘no’. What now? Well, now you need to practise maintaining those beautiful boundaries, and that’s easier said than done. But here are a few ways to help.
My book, WorkJoy: a toolkit for a better working life, has a whole chapter on boundaries, as well as related topics like life, values, organisations and more. It’ll definitely help you to stay in the zone.
If your boundaries (or lack thereof) has made you gloomy, my 21-day GloomBusters audio guide pops into your WhatsApp every day for three weeks. Getting out of WorkGloom really is as easy as that. Also check out my WorkJoy Jam podcast archive for guests chatting about boundaries.
If boundaries are only the start of what you plan to overhaul at work, book a 1:1 coaching call with me for a sounding board, guidance, cheerleading and more besides.
You can also follow me on Linkedin and Instagram for an (almost) daily dose of WorkJoy.
Know someone whose boundaries are looking less than beautiful? Send them this guide and watch them get their bouncy back!
11/05/2024